Let's face it. We all have those wounds that have attached themselves to our subconscious whether we want them to or not. Those still, nagging setbacks that hold tight to us as we navigate our way through this life. Some are childhood traumas that we don't even realize we carry into adulthood. Some of us have parents that left when we were very young, and we never actually recognized that we might have abandonment issues because of that. Some of us have held onto that one thing someone did or said to us that didn't feel so good, and it left us feeling unloved, unheard, and not valued. Whatever it may be, we don't actually realize it has molded us into who we are today. Or those hurts that we experience as adults that we hold on so tight to, that it becomes so difficult for us to see through the cloudy muck of our past experiences to even give our future a decent chance. It's those deep-seeded wounds we don't even realize are still there until we are knee deep in the middle of a situation that makes us all of a sudden switch into that fight or flight response. We then start to either defend ourselves and fight back or bolt. Either way, it's in those moments that we, without any warning, are triggered.
In the psychology world they call those our "hurts, habits, and hangups."if we allow it, we're taught to acknowledge those previous experiences and find those tools that help us heal from them as best as we can. But will we ever truly heal from any of it? I mean, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? We all sit here and tell ourselves we're stronger for having gone through them. Or even worse, we tell ourselves we are the way we are because of what we've been through, so therefore we don't think we are capable or worthy of all of the fulfillment we deserve. But we keep telling ourselves, that because of these things, we're better equipped to handle the next relationship better. Or the next job better. Or even the next anything that gets thrown in our direction that doesn't quite fit our vision the way we think it should. We in turn, without even realizing it, are right back to square one again with our trigger response. Someone says something to us that brings us back to that one time when...fill in the blank. And the unfortunate part about all of it, is we don't even realize it's happening until after the fact. That damn hindsight sure is humbling.
But with hindsight, comes growth. I know I just recently went through a situation, where I didn't even realize I was being triggered until days later. But with that, I'm grateful I also had a moment of clarity.
So imagine this: You're so deep into a situation that is so triggering for you that you will claw your way out before you let anyone take your power away. How dare they say and do those things towards me! I'm not what they say I am! I'm so far from that and I WILL arguably explain why they are so wrong! Although it feels good to put them in their place initially, it still leaves you with open wounds you didn't even realize you had. Those wounds that are so deep it leaves you bleeding all over, and now have to lick them for days to put yourself back together again. But it's during those few days after that you begin to have that sense of clarity. Was my behavior that unacceptable? Or did I possibly do something that may have unintentionally triggered them? I know, right?...It's very hard to actually take a step back, slow yourself down, and ask yourself those tough questions. But without that important step, will growth ever happen?
I have learned along the way to appreciate those moments. Although it can hurt in varying degrees, I believe that without them, we would never be given an opportunity to grow and potentially be better humans. We all have triggers. We may never actually know what triggers another util it's happening and it becomes a big mess. Is it the fear of being abandoned? PTSD from an unhealed past event that the other person had no idea about, but was brought to the forefront in an instant? Or was it something that was said that made you feel unloved, unworthy, or not valued. What If we acknowledged it? What if we, even if it's after the fact, acknowledged that we were triggered and gave ourselves a little bit of grace for that. I mean, nobody's perfect. People react. People fight back with the intent of just standing up for themselves. I know I forgive myself on a regular basis for reacting. I'm still working on that fight or flight response daily. But what I can take away from these important moments is that it's ok. It's ok to feel triggered. It's ok to stand up for yourself, and it's even more ok to acknowledge where you went wrong. I mean, what if there was something I did that triggered the other person and I had no idea? And, in turn, they reacted the best way they knew how based on their previous experiences.
Let's face it. We all do it. We just try to learn from those situations so when we're presented with another trigger moment, we have the opportunity to slow ourselves down enough to make better choices. To let it breathe before it gets bigger than it needs to be.
So I think it's safe to say, let's just give ourselves a break. And stay humble enough to say I'm sorry. And never forget to forgive ourselves so it's easier to forgive others.
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