How do you do it?....

"Can I ask you a serious question?"

"Oh boy... What's up?"

"How do you do that thing every time you walk in the bar?"

"What thing? Hahaha."

"Where you just make time slow down a little bit and make everyone gawk a little."

I've been sitting on this for a week now. I answered his question with a simple "I'm confident, not cocky. There's a difference. Haha." Quickly followed up by, "I don't know honestly. You make me blush. That's very sweet."

I've been wrapping my head around this conversation all week trying to figure out why I'm having a range of emotion over such a nice compliment. Is it because It brought me back to that night at the Lake where you sat down next to me and asked if I noticed that people stare at me? And I so openly said yes trying to impress you with my confidence. That I wish I would have been a little more humble about my answer? It was too soon to tell you that I worked really hard to get myself to a place where I'm so comfortable in my own skin and state of being, that people just seem to notice now. Or am I still struggling with the idea that I actually have that affect on people. I've been reeling over the idea that it's just another guy trying to flatter me so I'll sleep with him. Not that I would. But then I remember that he's not the only one that says it. And neither were you. I've just been blocking it out. I've been programed to not believe I have the ability to just draw people in. But why? What happened that I struggle with such a profound compliment? So this is what I came up with.

I made a choice. I chose to live in a world where I allowed the people around me to see me as less than what I knew in my core I was. I wasn't pretty enough, emotionally stable enough, compliant enough, nice enough, laid back enough....It goes on and on. I was walking around feeling like I just wasn't enough. No matter what I did or said, I never felt worthy, valuable, capable, adored or truly loved for who I was. But then again I never felt like I could be who I truly was. But every once in awhile I would catch a quick glimpse of it through other people. This was years ago. I would have people come up to me and compliment me on the light I put out, and tell me to never stop being me because my energy is just so magnetic and contagious. Back then, although it was equally as flattering, I allowed it to go in one ear and out the other because on a daily basis I was being programed to believe otherwise. Whether it was intentional or not, the people I had myself surrounded by on a regular basis were surely saying and doing things that made me feel quite opposite. This was my fault. I was allowing it. I was allowing myself to believe something that to my core, was not true. So when I had people come up to me that I didn't normally engage with, saying all these nice things, I guess I just didn't believe it. But it got my attention enough to realize I have the ability to change my narrative. So I did. I made a very conscious decision to stay completely and utterly authentic. That changed my whole world.

So now, when I get asked this question, it really does stop me dead in my tracks. I don't think anyone will ever truly understand how overwhelming it is for me to have someone ask me this. It's quite humbling, really. Because I still have days where I struggle with whether or not I'm good enough for anything. But to know that even if it has to be a day by day, or even moment by moment basis, I'm doing the best I can to make sure I'm staying true to who I know I am. And that I don't need anyones approval or validation to be happy and whole. That's why I say confidence, not cocky. Maybe that's my way of reminding myself out loud that it's ok to be confident and that it doesn't have to mean I'm conceded. So maybe that's how I do it. I'm not sure I'll ever really know. But I know I like where I am now better than where I was before. And for me, that is enough.