Dear Dad, I remember vividly the first time you tried to sit me down and have "the talk" with me about my high school sweetheart. You started by letting me know how you really liked him and how he was a fine young man. I knew then where this conversation was going. I remember storming off to my room saying, "Mom already had this talk with me, so you don't need to!" I was mortified, and embarrassed, but deep down I knew you were doing your job. You cared. You loved me enough to be forthright with me even though it was probably the most terrifying thing for you, to date, that you had ever put yourself through. and you did it for me. You did it for my well being and safety. You did it because you loved me and wanted the best for me. I was in love. you knew it. And you wanted me to be happy, healthy and safe.
You knew what it was, but wanted just as much as I did for it to last. I mean, you were raised pure, and wholesome, and with the best intentions and integrity. And you taught me the same. I put everything I had into that relationship for my age, knowledge and capacity, and I truly thought, based on how I was raised, I was going to marry that boy. Because, that's what we do. We find a person. Tell ourselves, we will marry the first person we fall in love with and that's that....This was puppy love.
Dear Dad, I fell in love. Again. I met a boy, and he sings, and we have fun together, and he's snarky, in a good way, and he gives me attention. I'm in love. He works hard, and he's in the military. He knows what he wants and he's very vocal about the fact that he wants me. I think I will marry this one. I will spend the next seventeen years of my life with this one. We will make many memories. Some good. Some more devastating that I care to explain. I will have two beautiful babies with him. Buy a house, build my career and even go through cancer with him. I found myself with this love. I fell in love with the idea of being in love. I was twenty-one when I met him. And in seventeen years, this kind of love forced me to realize I need to love myself first. You see, I had to do a lot of growing up with this one. It was with this one, I learned to dig deep and really figure out who I am separate from any relationship. I learned how to set solid boundaries, stand up for myself, and really know my worth. It was this one that almost broke me. But it also forced me to learn what I was capable of and truly know I deserve nothing but the best for myself. It was this love, that I grew to love who I was. My perfectly, imperfect, broken self. I had to learn to love myself when it felt like everything around me was falling apart. It was with this one, I fell in love with myself. And with loving myself, things began to shift and I then realized, that I need to love myself so unconditionally first, that sometimes, you have to walk away from things that affect your physical and emotional well being. This one was the tough love.
Dear Dad, I. fell... in love. This time, it's genuine. I wasn't even looking for love this time. As a matter of fact, I was so caught up in loving myself so unconditionally, that this one just fell in my lap. I was in the middle of reclaiming myself. I was living my best life, and all of a sudden, I found myself in his presence. It happened so naturally and organically, as if God just lined it right up that we meet. It was so unexpected that it really did throw me off when it actually hit me. I fell in love. He's disciplined, and works so hard. He's fun and so easy to be around. He's strong by nature yet gentle and kind and he makes me feel so safe. And in turn, I've learned how to slow myself down enough to get to know and recognize his needs and swallow my own pride to apologize if I mess up. He unintentionally challenges me to want to do better. To be better. You would really like him. He's incredibly charming and he's so sweet. He's broken, and messy like me. He feels like home. The way he looks at me makes my heart full and he allows me to be my true authentic self. He matches my energy when I want to be goofy, and we can have some great conversations that come easily and naturally as if we've been friends our whole lives. He's passionate. We're so comfortable together that when I look at him, it feels like I'm looking in a mirror. I'm pretty sure I've told him that if I was a man, I would be him. I've never felt so deeply. When he's sad, I can be miles away and I feel his pain. When he's happy and excited, my heart sings for him. He apologizes when he messes up, but even when he can't find the words, I already know, and he doesn't have to say anything at all. Nothing feels forced with him. And it felt like it happened in an instant. I found my person. He inspires me. He has taught me what it feels like to love unconditionally. I can sit here and give you a laundry list of things that draw me to him. Or why I say I'm in love. But this is the kind of love that can't be explained. This one is the love where I just want him to be happy no matter what that looks like. The kind of love where I can hold space for him as long as he needs me to, because I just want him to know that someone cares enough to do that for him. The kind of love that with all of his brokenness, he's still loved anyway. It almost makes me want to love on him more, but I know that holding space for him is the best way to show such love. It's the kind of love where no matter what happens, I just want him to be happy. Even if it's not with me.
Dear Dad. I get it now. I found true love.
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